Sunday, February 21, 2016

Local Revision: Wordiness


From my draft:

"For the eighty-eight years that the Academy Awards have existed, the award show has served as American (and occasionally global) cinema’s equivalent to the ESPY Awards for sports and athletics, the Tony Awards for theater, the Grammy Awards for music, the Emmy Awards for televised programs. The Oscars, being the oldest of the aforementioned award shows, places the burden of deciding the year’s best actors, actresses, films, directors, and other key players in the field on a board of over 6,000 members of the film industry known as the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences (AMPAS). Opposing the People’s Choice Awards and many other modern awards programs, the victors are chosen by the peers of the nominated filmmakers not the general audiences. Therefore, the AMPAS’s pick for best picture is not always what the masses would have picked."

Revised excerpt:

"The Academy Awards have long been American cinema's most popular awards show. The Oscars relies on the 6,000 or so members of the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences (AMPAS) to vote on the year's best films, filmmakers, actors, and actresses. Since the general public does not have a say in who wins or gets nominated it is not uncommon for the AMPAS's to rival common opinion."

I believe my revised draft is rather boring in comparison to the original. However, its succinctness is more relevant to the style of a quick reference guide. I will probably try to make it 10-20% as brief to adapt to the genre yet not sacrifice my diction.

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